Struggling with Self-Worth, Comparisons, and Finding Ways to Cope

How do you determine your self-worth? Is it by excelling in school, making an impact on people’s lives, or earning a lot of money? I base my self-worth on my grades in school, but it is not something I learned to do on my own, nor am I proud that I do this. As a daughter of South Asian immigrants, it has been instilled in me that my grades are representative of my character and achievements. My parents have always had the “we sacrificed so much for you” mindset, which has been ingrained in me since birth.

Ever since I was a child, my parents compared me to my peers. “Look, she’s so much more well-behaved than you,” or “why don’t you have more common sense like your cousin?” As a child, I learned that if I want my parents to be proud of me, I must be better than everyone. I must be the most well-behaved and smartest.

It wasn’t acceptable for me to be proud of myself for my own achievements because there was always someone better. Their expectations of me are completely unfair and impossible to achieve.

This mindset has been so deeply ingrained in me that I continue to have a nagging voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough. I can get 95% on a test I studied really hard for but see another person get 98% and immediately dismiss my accomplishment, completely disregarding the fact that I worked hard, and the effort paid off. This continuous cycle of feeling proud and then feeling profoundly disappointed is taking a toll on my mental health.

My inclination to compare myself to others comes from the fear of disappointing my parents. My parents immigrated to Canada from Bangladesh in 2010 and worked exceptionally hard to build their life here. They had to learn a new language, find jobs, and find a sense of community in a completely foreign place. How could I disappoint the people who gave everything to me? A life, a home, top-tier education, and so much more. Letting them down would feel like tearing down the life they built here. 

The tendency to compare ourselves to others isn’t merely an immigrant problem. Everyone compares, but it’s how people communicate comparisons that lead to healthy or toxic thought patterns. Comparisons, when communicated in a way that can lead to toxic thought patterns, can affect anyone regardless of their background. Throughout my life, I have found it easy to relate to my friends who are children of immigrants. They tend to take on more responsibilities than they can manage, join tons of clubs, take music lessons, and study more than they socialize with others. From an outside perspective, it’s easy to feel envious of them without acknowledging the challenges they are facing.

This drive to make our parents proud can be a good motivator to get us through school, but simply trying to make your parents proud and not having any personal goals, can lead to things going downhill.

There is only so much that you can do for others before you get burnt out and find yourself unable to differentiate between what you want to do and what your parents want you to do. It leads to a lack of self-identity and a decline in one’s mental well-being.

I have several methods that help me limit the unattainable standards I set for myself. Writing has been the most helpful for me. When I write down how I’m feeling, I can distinguish between which thoughts are rational and which ones aren’t. When all my thoughts are jumbled in my head, the lines become blurred between those that are toxic and those that are healthy. Another thing I do is set goals for myself and make to-do lists. When I create my own goals, my primary focus is myself rather than other people. Making to-do lists helps me stay organized as well. I feel accomplished when I finish each item. Lastly, I make sure that all the clubs and volunteering I’m involved in are things I truly enjoy and aren’t things that I do just to make myself look good for university applications.

Although I’ve focused on the immigrant child view due to my personal experiences, I acknowledge that unhealthy comparisons can affect anyone. Ending the cycle of comparisons that lead to toxic thought patterns isn’t a linear journey, but it can be done. I am in no way completely healed, and I still have unhealthy thought patterns that I struggle with every day. I want people to look at my experience and find comfort in knowing that many people go through the same thing. Striving for perfection is unattainable but striving for the best that you can do is attainable. Focusing on the things that you can control internally is the first step. You can’t control what others do, but you can control your outlook on life, your habits, and your time management. My parents may expect a lot from me, but at the end of the day what matters most is my sense of self-fulfillment.