How to Overcome Shyness

Picture this: You are in a room full of strangers, perhaps a party, or a classroom. You feel a familiar unease swell up inside you as you navigate among unfamiliar people. The thought of small talk sends tremors through your body. To avoid potential judgment and ridicule, you retreat to the corner where no one will notice. But as you sit at the periphery of the chatter, seeing others socialize without a care in the world, you silently berate yourself for being unable to mingle effortlessly.

That’s me, wrestling with shyness.

I’ve received some well-intentioned advice you’ve probably heard, like stop overthinking, or just do it, the usual guff. Alas, if only it were that easy!

I would often lament that I would never break free, that I would forever be a prisoner of shyness. That’s how serious mine is. But I have taken strides to overcome, or at least reduce, it. And if you are shy, you can too. Here are seven tips that can help:

1. Accept it Without Judgment

You read that right. Accept that you are shy but never judge yourself for it. Shyness doesn’t mean you’re broken or flawed or that there’s something wrong with you. Just accept that you are shy and move on. You might think, Why should I accept it? I’m trying to get rid of it! Indeed, it sounds counterintuitive, but it’s essential to defeating it. Personally, acceptance gave me peace of mind, which made it easier than if I were constantly judging myself.

2. Choose the Right Places

Environment often influences our behaviour. You may feel shyer in some places than in others. I cannot bring myself to meet strangers in the street, or at cafés, or at parties.

However, I feel comfortable when I’m volunteering, and I’m most comfortable in the classroom. That doesn’t mean my shyness is completely absent. It just means it’s more manageable.

Perhaps you can start where you are comfortable and then slowly move to less comfortable places.

3. Assume Others Will Like You

Most of us vastly underestimate how much others enjoy our company. It’s a phenomenon dubbed the “liking gap,” and it affects all of us, especially shy people. We constantly fear judgment or ridicule . . . or worse. But there’s a way around this: Turn shyness on its head and assume people will like you. When you reduce the stress from shyness and fear, you feel more comfortable and calmer, and you become friendlier and warmer with people, which makes them actually like you.

4. Just Say, “Hi!”

The most difficult part of small talk is starting. How do you know what someone is interested in or what’s relevant to them if you’ve just met them? How do you know what to say to a complete stranger? It might sound crazy, but just say, “hi.” Most social interactions start with a greeting. It’s the simplest yet most effective way to approach a person since it opens the door for a conversation. Plus, conversation starters get people talking. British etiquette expert William Hanson lists at least four perfect topics: the weather, the arts and culture, your surroundings, and travel. Sure, talking about the weather might sound old-fashioned, but it’s still very effective. The point is, we have a lot in common, even with strangers.

5. Ask Questions and Listen

Despite getting over the insurmountable hurdle of starting a conversation, we fear we might say something stupid and become a laughingstock. But there’s a way around this, and it’s a technique echoed by thousands of websites and conversationalists: ask questions and listen.

From a social standpoint, this approach works for many reasons, such as the fact that people like talking about themselves. But it works well, especially if you’re shy, because you are less likely to say something awkward when you’re only asking follow-up questions and listening to the responses.

6. The Spotlight Effect

As a shy person, I believed everyone was looking at my every move and listening to my every word, ready to judge or leave me as soon as there was even the slightest mistake. It’s why I saw every interaction as make-or-break. But then I asked myself, when I am out and about in public, how often do I focus on what other people are doing? When I meet someone, how often do I notice if the other person stumbles over their words? This is called “the spotlight effect.” In reality, people are far less observant than you think. If other people aren’t focused on you, shouldn’t you focus less on yourself as well? It was another game changer for me, since I realized that most of my shyness stems from the spotlight effect.

7. Be Compassionate

Sometimes shyness requires giving yourself grace. Don’t push yourself and become overwhelmed. Whenever I’m at a social event where I don’t know anyone, I take a short amount of time to get comfortable before I meet someone new. It’s very simple, but it helped me build social confidence. Treat yourself with kindness. Celebrate every small win. Even when things get awkward, remember that it’s temporary (even if it feels permanent). Most people are very forgiving. Simply put, go at your own pace. Give yourself grace. It’s not a race. What matters is that you eventually overcome shyness. You got this!