Slipping Into Small Talk

Small talk has never come easy to me. As a kid, I once tried to sing my way through a conversation (sadly, it didn’t work). Unfortunately, these kinds of situations are much too common for me. When talking to others, I always end up saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and making everything awkward. Or at least, I used to. Over time, I’ve learned to analyze conversations and find ways to interact with others without feeling like I’m trying to discover the Theory of Relativity all over again. Now I want to help you do the same because small talk is an essential tool when trying to make connections. So, let’s dive into the world of small talk!

When talking to somebody, the most important rule to remember is to keep the conversation focused on the person you’re speaking with as much as possible.

Often, when we engage in conversation, we get nervous and ramble on and on about ourselves. While a good conversation does involve talking about yourself, the best conversations will be the ones where you’re listening to the other person for the majority of the conversation. As they say, there’s a reason we have two ears and one mouth! Next time you’re in a conversation, I encourage you to shift the focus to the other person as much as possible. Observe how this changes the dynamic in the conversation.

Now, you may wonder, “How do I shift the focus of a conversation? That sounds complicated and confusing.” Don’t worry, you’re not alone! Before I learned these strategies, I thought changing the direction a conversation would be impossible. However, you can learn to shift the focus of a discussion with three tricks: open-ended questions, mirroring, and finding common ground.

Have you ever been in a conversation where the other person only responded to your questions with a yes or a no? I have. It’s easy to assume that this boring response is the fault of the other person, but more often than not, it’s the question itself that has put the other person in this situation.

When we ask questions like “Do you like music?”, questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no, no additional information can be added to continue the conversation. This can lead to those dreaded, awkward silences that are all too common in conversations. Instead, try asking open-ended questions. These questions require longer, more complicated answers, like “What type of music do you like?” If you’re struggling to come up with an open-ended question, starting your question with a “what” or a “why” will almost certainly leave you with an interesting, open-ended question. This is one of the easiest ways to improve your conversational skills, but it’s also one of the most effective, so make sure to try it out.

Another important technique you can use is “mirroring.” Mirroring is when you mimic the gestures or speech of the person you’re talking to in a conversation.

Mirroring helps put people at ease by giving them a sense of familiarity.

There are two basic steps to mirroring: first, observe the person’s conversation, noting their gestures and speech patterns, then, incorporate these into your own speech and body language. For example, if someone is constantly cracking jokes, try making a joke or two yourself.

One mirroring technique is used by master negotiators. I learned about this tactic after watching a MasterClass by Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator. When you’re in a conversation with someone, repeat the last few words of their sentence to get them to tell you more information. Often, the person will continue from where they left off and provide you with more detail about the topic.

While all of these are great tips, arguably the most important thing to do in a conversation is to try to find common ground. When you find a topic that both you and the other person are passionate about, you’ll develop a stronger connection with the other person. Also, you’ll be able to ask more relevant questions because you’ll be familiar with the topic. Ultimately, these types of connections will be what makes your conversation successful.

Though small talk may seem like a mystical concept that only a select few can understand, small talk isn’t as complicated as you may think. Next time you’re in a conversation that’s starting to dull, remember to try putting the focus on the other person, ask open-ended questions, and try to mirror their body language and speech patterns. Hopefully, this will help demystify small talk and help you become more confident in making new connections!