Perfectionism, Burnout and Immigrant Parents

Have you ever wondered the reason why many first-generation immigrant kids excel? Parents always want the best for their children, but this may become corruptive at times. As a daughter of immigrant parents, I struggle with the toxic standard of success that pervades many immigrant homes. My parents had overcome numerous obstacles while relocating to Canada, and I wanted to prove that I could compensate for their sacrifices. Despite my best efforts, I felt that I was not the “perfect” daughter my parents desired, which led to a horrible case of burnout.

My parents are the most mission-oriented people I know. They worked many long hours just to ensure that my brother and I did not know the meaning of struggle. My mother attended school in the Philippine city of Urdaneta, Pangasinan. But growing up in the Philippines back then was not easy. My mother let nothing stand in her way. From having to trade homework answers for school supplies to missing many weeks of school owing to her duties at home. By staying on the honour roll, she earned scholarships to study abroad. Then, she eventually settled in Toronto. My father, on the other hand, was the opposite. He moved to Canada in grade 7 from Bessang, Ilocos Sur but he opted out of attending college. Instead, he found a steady career and met my mother, but he did pass up many opportunities. So, he promised himself that he would raise his children to be great achievers.

My mother’s drive to succeed and prosper lived through me. To add onto that, my father would always remind me to never make the same mistakes he did, which further fuelled my ambitions. I was pressured to live my best life in Canada. My mother forced me to join school competitions when I was in elementary school, and I earned numerous awards and titles. Since then, I assumed that forcing myself to succeed was healthy because my mother did that when she was my age. Even though I was pressured by their standards, I later noticed that my problem grew to become more internal. In grade 10, I took part in many leadership groups, then I later volunteered in local non-profits. Even though I was involved and maintained high grades, it was insufficient for me. I started comparing myself to other students and despising myself for “being lazy.” I wanted to show my parents that from their hardships, my worth was there.

I had not realised I was suffering from burnout. I only noticed that I became unmotivated to accomplish anything. Everything seemed like a never-ending workout. I became enraged with myself because I was never able to meet my high expectations from being emotionally exhausted. 

Journaling, believe it or not, was the one thing that helped me overcome my student burnout. Everyone I spoke with could not quite understand what I was going through, and I felt extremely alone. Thus, writing about my feelings in the form of songs, poetry and just blabbering on the iOS notes app helped me understand what was going on in my brain. When I was finally able to synthesize my complex thoughts, I confirmed that I was suffering from significant burnout. As a result, I spent time reflecting and ended up quitting commitments that I had no passion for. It was tough for me to let go, since I worried about missing out on opportunities like my father had done. But I had to admit to myself that everyone has a limit. I had to constantly remind myself that where I am is enough. Now, I only participate in groups that I am enthusiastic about. 

My recovery is just the beginning and there is always room for healing. I strive to continue spreading my story and ending the toxic standard of success. I want to increase awareness about student burnout and encourage students to reach out for mental health support. I now understand that my worth cannot be measured by my achievements or the numbers on my report card. Everyone is valuable. Whenever I fear disappointing my own parents, I remind myself that I am not responsible for their happiness. Even though they have made those sacrifices for me, I do not owe them anything. I have learned my limits. There is a difference between striving for the best and my own best.