To Be Able To Find Comfort in Your Journey

When I first stepped into high school in Toronto, I had high expectations of how great a time I would have. I would work exceptionally hard to achieve excellent grades, be very involved in school events, and give back to my community. But most importantly, I would be in the company of loving, close friends just like I had in my previous years of school like I had seen other high schoolers having both on TV and in real life. However, within only a few weeks, I found myself very disappointed and my situation led me to have negative experiences over the next year.

I have a very outgoing personality which made it easy for me to meet new people. Since it was already the second semester, I knew it was going to be a bit difficult to make friends as students had already figured out who they connected with and had divided into separate groups.

So, I pushed myself to always approach classmates to introduce myself, ardently suggest ideas during group work in class, and actively participate in club activities. However, all the “friendships” I seemed to make never lasted more than a few days. This resulted in me having silent walks to and from school, lonely lunches in the cafeteria, and decreasing enthusiasm to attend classes day by day. I also started noticing that I was the only newcomer who faced such an issue. Others seemed to blend in seamlessly.

At this point, I looked around and thought maybe it was because the students at my school and I were very different, especially because I had just immigrated from the other side of the world, carrying completely different values that I had refused to compromise.

Eventually, I decided to start going to a school where there were more people who could relate to me culturally. Little did I know that even this reasonable decision would continue to disappointment me.

In the next school, I was surrounded by people who shared my background, religion, and culture. I was very excited to have a new beginning and make lots of friends, but I found my situation remained the same. I started paying even more attention to every little detail in the environment. Every other person had friends to hang out and study with, during and after school. I repeatedly questioned, why didn’t I have friends? Did my classmates not like me? By this time, I had developed anxiety. I hated school, I hated studying. I started missing classes because of silly excuses and stopped getting involved in clubs. Home had become a safe place for me. I was always afraid to be alone, sitting by myself in a hallway while other students walked by joking and laughing in groups. The feeling of missing something special haunted me. And it wasn’t until I had another new beginning at a third school with the same outcome that I finally decided it was high time I adapted to my circumstances.

When I truly reflected on the previous year and a half, the main problem I found was my own perception. I found myself stuck in a cycle. My mind viewed my friendlessness as pitiful, which made me feel uneasy at school when I saw everyone else’s situation to be the opposite.

This, in turn, led me to cocoon myself into a bubble and stop interacting with others in an effort to protect myself from hurting further, thus letting my mind wonder wildly because of my state of isolation. I was in a dangerous state in terms of my emotions because of what I was doing and how unreasonably far I was allowing my thoughts to go. I had to get my mind under control. When I finally cleared my mind, I saw that there was no reason to feel so lonely. The solution to the main problem was to find comfort in being by myself.

I had to stop chasing the illusion that I could only be happy with friends around. If my journey through high school consisted of no special friend, what really was the problem? I was enough. I had my hobbies, my own interests. Rather than occupying myself with overthinking, I read my favourite books from C.S. Lewis and Khaled Hosseini, I wrote my own stories on Wattpad, I spent evenings with my mother having tea and biscuits, I made schoolwork more interesting.

There was so much more to life than what I had been solely focusing on for an entire year and a half. And because of how I turned around my perception and emotions, I didn’t sulk any longer. I was back to being and appearing my cheerful and nonchalant self.

My grades even got better and I resumed participating in clubs. And I guess, this side of me attracted more students to interact with me, which was good because, well, I am merely human and in need of social interaction every so often.

I don’t sugar-coat how I deal with being alone in high school. I still have to strongly fight battles with the old thoughts that sometimes try to resurface. However, allowing myself to find the comfort in my journey that comprises mostly of solitude, I enjoy great privacy and growth. I’ve learned when things become unhealthy for me and when to let go of things that are not meant for me. I’ve discovered more of my interests and started adoring my own company. Though unfinished, my story of getting through high school is very different to those in books and movies, and one my youth counsellor did not imagine at our first meeting. Every high schooler is different, everyone’s journey is different. I’ve realized that we should embrace what it throws at us and make the most of it because high school really is a great time of our lives. But it will only be great if we make it to be, with both our mind and actions, to the best of our abilities.