Self-Doubt: How It Impacts Our “Portraits”

Everyone has a portrait—a drawing of ourselves we create using our best colours. It’s dynamic, changing constantly as we move through different phases and parts of life.  This concept can be used to describe our identity and self-image. Our experiences, our interests, and our worldviews are the paints that make this work of art. However, one key element of our self-image is how we want others to view us. What do we want others to think when they see this drawing we crafted? How do we want to be perceived?

As we get older, how we want our portraits to be viewed becomes more important. But the issue here isn’t others’ perception. It’s how we think of our own drawings. You can have the brightest colours, use the finest paintbrushes…yet sometimes it just isn’t enough.

Self-doubt is a daily part of our lives, something we just live with. In fact, self-doubt has become so common we brush it aside as a regular part of growing up or moving through life.

The Cure, a song by singer-songwriter Olivia Rodrigo, accurately depicts this issue. The chorus really stood out to me, and I’m sure others could relate to it as well:

‘“But my head is full of poison, and my heart is full of doubt, I got toxins in my bloodstream, you tried hard to suck ’em out. And it feels like medication, and it’s good for me, I’m sure, but it don’t matter how your love feels anymore. It’ll never be the cure.”

Here, Rodrigo compares her self-doubt to “toxins” and how they’ve infected her blood and brain. But no matter how much the subject of the song supplies her with love and adoration, or “medication,” it doesn’t matter, because she’s too ill with her own thoughts. Others can hate and love you as much as they wish, and they can bestow all their adoration onto you but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if you cancel it out with your own self-doubt.

But is self-doubt only kindled from within? Or can it be influenced by external situations and experiences? For example, I am always loud about my opinions and passions. But I was often criticized for being too obsessive. This had me questioning myself, my choices, and my actions. What if I’m too obsessive? Too “basic?” Too much?  So, I started to tone it down.

I kept my opinions and passions to myself. My portrait, which had bursts vibrant colours, became focused on the blacks and greys; negativity had started to become a part of the picture.

Self-doubt can be powered even further by wanting to fit in. With the uproar of social media in recent years, easy access to ever-shifting trends, and the formation of cliques offline, it’s hard to find a personality that’s “right.” The need to be fluid for different situations and people is now a bigger issue than ever before, and that can confuse sureness in yourself. What if you’re too loud or too strange for another group of people? Maybe that’s why you’re always left out, or feel like you’re never enough? As someone who never quite fit in, I started to become even more hard on myself.

One pattern is clear here: self-doubt is something that keeps coming back. We can surround ourselves with the right people, try our hardest in every aspect…yet it keeps crawling back in. So, what can we do?

We embrace it. Dark hues are colours too. They’re a necessary and essential part of every portrait. It’s what makes the portrait raw and honest. However, it’s crucial to understand that the entire piece of art can’t be colourless. To be human is to have flaws, alongside the positive qualities we already have. Learning to appreciate the greys of the portrait but making sure to give credit to the vibrant colours that co-exist is a skill. It’s hard for young adults, who are still learning independence, to think for themselves, what their passions are, and how to perfectly handle such situations and the self-doubt that comes with it. Being able to juggle both the best colours and the black splotches is difficult, but over time you can develop a love and acceptance for both. A portrait doesn’t need to be perfect; it’s a mirror for yourself. Mirrors reflect you, meaning all the colours